Too funny.

(Though I’d probably get addicted to just about anything if it meant getting a sing-along visit from Kristin Chenoweth.)

From the Guppie Life

Everything I Know About Crystal Meth I Learned from Kristin Chenoweth

The Great Schlep

Of course, so am I, and I do, too.

From the Guppie Life

Sarah Silverman is Offensive and Wants Your Grandparents to Vote for Obama

Here’s your hump-day pick-me-up as I run out the door to go to work.

From the Guppie Life

Paris Hilton 4 Prez

Yesterday at work I overheard my boss telling a coworker that he found a great deal on a large-capacity external hard drive.

I popped my head into his office and asked where he got it, because I’m in the market for a new one. I recently upgraded to the newest version of the Mac operating system called OS X Leopard. It has an automatic file-backup feature, but in order to use it I need a new ‘Mac-formatted’ external hard drive.

I explained this to my boss, but he said I didn’t need to buy a new hard drive. I could take my old one to work, empty its contents onto my work computer, then re-format the old hard drive and put the files back on it.

I thanked my boss for the suggestion, but just as I turned to leave, a coworker asked, “Wow, 300 gigs? What do you keep on that thing, anyway?”

I turned bright red and stuttered for a second, as I’m prone to do when embarrassed. I mumbled something about TV shows and walked out as quickly as I could.

It’s safe to say I won’t ever bring the hard drive to work.

From the Guppie Life

In Which the Work-Life / Personal-Life Boundary is Crossed

From The Onion, America’s Finest News Source:

HARTFORD, CT—The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of “grandiose behaviors,” including, but not limited to, sashaying across the room “like a hussy, yelling ‘Oh my God!’ at the top of their lungs while hopping up and down, and generally acting like Miss Thing.”

…

The ruling, which effectively affirms the right of all attention whores to make a complete spectacle of themselves, is already being contested by conservative groups and is expected to be appealed.

Link to full story…

From the Guppie Life

Oh No She Didn’t

In honor of my new trainer saying that I have freakishly strong legs and weak arms, here’s a webcomic about a T-Rex:

The world needs more gay dinosuars.

Via Dinosaur Comics

From the Guppie Life

Gay Dinosaurs, Rawr

It’s true. Lesbians are funnier than regular people.

Via Achewood

From the Guppie Life

I, Too, Want to Crack Wise with Some Boss Lesbians

In lieu of a boyfriend, many homos (present company included) choose to funnel their loneliness and quiet desperation into one of the world’s oldest hobbies– pet ownership. (You thought I was going to say ‘prostitution,’ didn’t you? But that’s the world’s oldest profession.)

What many guys don’t realize is that their choice of pet is a window into their own souls, even more so than the labels in their closets and the cars in their driveways.

It’s easy to disguise your true self behind designer jeans or a yuppie European sedan, but owning a pet is different than owning other types of ‘property.’

You can’t be fake around a pet. (Well, I guess you could, but what’s the point?) Pets share every moment of your mundane life with you. They’re there for you at the end of a hard day at work. They don’t care that you’ve put on five pounds and haven’t been to the gym in three months. Pets are fine with staying in on a cold Saturday night. And they won’t judge you for pre-ordering the Enchanted DVD, because they know that James Marsden is the hottest thing to ever walk on two legs and he sings, too.

Anyway.

The type of pet you own speaks to what kind of person you are and which characteristics you value in others:

Dogs are first and foremost known for their loyalty. They’re social, playful, and no one thinks you’re weird for wanting one. In a nutshell, dogs are the All-American, vanilla pet.

But different breeds have different needs and different owners. The toy breeds (Pomeranian, Chihuahua) suggests a gay comfortable with his trendy, effeminate side, whereas a mutt suggests a gay guy that doesn’t care about fancy labels. A Labrador suggests perhaps a guy ready to settle down in the suburbs.

Cats are fickle, mysterious, independent, and oddly popular with lesbians. As with dogs, owning a purebred may be a sign of obsession with status and labels. Although some cats may be friendly, generally a cat owner is more likely to be aloof and distant than a dog owner.

Any more than two cats and you totally deserve the “crazy cat lady” jokes.

P.S. If you’re a gay man thinking of naming your cat “Pussy,” please be advised that you’re not nearly as funny/clever as you think.

There are two types of fish owner.

The first has a few fish in a small freshwater aquarium. The fish may or may not have names, and were chosen from the pet store because they’re kind of cool to watch. It’s hard to come to any conclusions about this type of fish owner. He may want a more exciting pet, but is limited by budget or space. Or he might be afraid of anything that requires more commitment than a fish. Like a boyfriend.

The second type of fish owner is intense. These are your saltwater aquarium folks with hundreds of dollars of equipment. For them, learning about filtration and water chemistry is exciting.

I imagine that these are also the kind of people who design elaborate sex dungeons in their basements. Be warned.

Birds are messy, chatty and unpredictable, but also intelligent, flashy and inquisitive. Since parrots can live more than 50 years and possess the intellect of a human toddler, their human owners are very unlikely to be commitment-phobic or impatient, though they’ll probably be a little strange.

Suitable for perverts, and also for gays that happen to be 5th grade science teachers looking for a low-maintenance classroom pet.

What kind of pet do you have?

From the Guppie Life

A Gay Man’s Guide to Pets: What Your Choice of Pet Says About You