I’m in the middle of an awkward situation.
Normally, I don’t write about my friends and family on this blog. Writing about my own life with my adoring masses is my own prerogative, but writing about their lives isn’t.
But I need to share this on the blog, so I’ll be vague.
A few months ago, I loaned an older relative some money. At the time I didn’t even think of it as a loan. It was just convenience thing. She had an entirely legitimate bill due, and because of the particulars of the situation, it was just a lot easier for me to foot the bill and have her pay me back.
Honestly, I didn’t think twice about it. It’s just the sort of thing we do in my family. For instance, sometimes a family member will use a professional discount to buy an item for another family member. This transaction was along those lines.
The amount I covered didn’t break the bank, but at more than $1,000 it wasn’t an insignificant expense for me either.
A few weeks went by before I thought to say anything about getting reimbursed. I didn’t want to seem cheap or needy, but I do have very aggressive savings goals, and every bit counts.
I just brought it up casually: “Hey [relative], don’t forget about that check.”
“Oh, don’t worry! I haven’t forgotten!”
Good, I thought. That takes care of that.
A few more weeks passed.
“I was just wondering if you had a chance to send that check?” I asked. “I was hoping to buy a new computer pretty soon, and I’d like to have that money back in my account first.” (Not that I should have to explain myself for wanting to be paid back, right?)
Then she brokedown. She confessed she has been living paycheck-to-paycheck for months. She doesn’t have the cash flow right now to pay me back.
I was stunned. This relative has had a stable career. She’s in her mid-50’s and appears to be comfortably middle class.
The relative went on to explain that she has had a few unexpected expenses lately to the tune of several hundred dollars per month. The expenses caught her off guard, she said.
At first I was flabbergasted. I felt horrible and greedy for demanding to be paid back. But mostly I was confused and saddened.
The extra expenses, though significant, should not be catastrophic to someone who has had that much time to save.
Then I got upset. She drives a late-model large SUV, one that is known to guzzle gas. And she goes out socially to the local pubs (she’s single) three or four times a week. (That’s about ten times more often than me, and I’m half her age!) How could my adult relative spend her money so irresponsibly? And why wasn’t she forthright with me? How is it okay to use your younger relative as a stopgap bank loan?
The relative said she would talk to her accountant and have him cash out some stock she inherited in order to pay me back. I could tell she was mortified.
I felt awkward, too. Incredibly awkward. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I want her to get through this difficult financial time and I love her, but she has lost my trust.
On the other hand, it’s not as if I needed that money back right away… And where do I get off criticizing her lifestyle?
In the end, I decided it was probably less embarrassing for my relative to pay me back and put the whole matter behind us. The check is supposed to arrive via overnight delivery tomorrow morning.
I feel guilty. What would you have done?
I’m not sure what I would have done in that situation. It’s hard to put myself in your shoes because I haven’t had similar dealings with my own family, but I probably would have done something similar. At the same time, I might have also used the breakdown as a chance to educate the person a little bit about personal finance since you have done your own research quite extensively - although that’s hard to do without sounding preachy, especially under the circumstances. But offering a helping hand to help clean up the finances, and coming from a place of caring, might help in the long run.
I’m not going to sugarcoat - maybe her cashing out some stock will make her take heed and realize that her hard-earned (or in your case, your hard-earned money) is not best spent on whiskey sours at open mic night. I know it would for me, anyway.
Well done.
An option might have been getting the parent’s involved…although that would be mean.
It’s like selling your loan. Get the ‘rents to pay you the $1000 and then have miss thing pay them back.
Humiliating? Yes. But that’s the point. It’s easy exploiting a young family member, but once equals are dragged in…well, that’s when the lessons are learned.
I’ve been thinking about this more…why didn’t she just cash out the stock in the first place if she was so desperate for money? Why go through you? I know I seem like a bitch…but I have a lot of pride (to a fault) and I would do ANYTHING before I had to ask someone for a loan.
I wouldn’t have given the money in the first place if I expected back… I hate “loaning” money to people that I know I’m going to have to be around. It just avoids this whole mess that you are in.
Now, in your situation, I think you did the right thing. You need your money back (and even if you don’t NEED it, its still your money) So, yeah, have her cash out her stocks. She didn’t need to do that in the first place b/c she had you (and probably other relatives, as well)
Also, I think it is perfectly reasonable to believe that if she is strapped for cash, she needs to sell the gas guzzler, and keep herself at home some nights and learn to take care of herself. (I’m sorry, I am completely unsympathetic in situations like this)
It’s one thing to be in a bind and really need help, but this isn’t the case with her.
I’m glad you are getting you money back. And good for you for standing up for yourself and not giving in when she put the guilt on you….
I’ve learned over the years that if I decide to “loan” someone money, then I just consider it a gift. It seems to make things simpler, and then if the person later re-pays me, I get an unexpected bonus. If I’m not ready to give the money, then I don’t “loan” it.
I think we’d all be surprised at how many people around us are living paycheck to paycheck.