the Guppie Life

I went tanning yesterday. And it felt great.

The Sin

I know tanning is just about the ultimate stupid. It causes cancer and it makes your skin age prematurely… and on top of that, you’re expected to pay for the privilege.

But I love the way it makes me feel. After tanning I feel energized, perhaps euphoric, as if I can take on the world, or at least crank out a few blog posts. And a tan looks damn good on me.

So how do I reconcile my occasional visits to the tanning bed with my identity as an otherwise upstanding, responsible gay civilian? (I think we called this cognitive dissonance in psychology lecture.)

I don’t reconcile the two, not really. I try to rationalize it to others— “Look, I try to watch what I eat, I’m developing new exercise habits, I’ve never so much as smoked a puff of a cigarette, and I have an effin IRA instead of a shiny new MacBook Pro laptop. Let me have this one indulgence!”— but I know melanoma doesn’t care about my Roth or my new personal trainer.

So what’s a shallow image-conscious boy to do?

The Compromise

I do not believe that one can completely ignore one’s own strong, animal desires (otherwise I’d be leading a simpler life as a straight dude, basking in familial and societal approval). Laugh if you want, but the desire to feel good and look sexy to attract mates is an evolutionary instinct. I tan because it’s in my DNA.

Of course, that DNA could be irrevocably altered by too much tanning, so there must be a compromise.

I have a mental agreement with myself: No more than a dozen or so tanning sessions during the course of a year, and I am only allowed to tan during winter and early spring.

Furthermore, being the frugal(ish) guy that I am, I’ve only ever gone to tanning salons when I can get a discount. In college I used my student ID, but bargains are tougher to find now that I’m a full-fledged adult. Many tanning salons try to reel you in with a membership plans frighteningly similar to cell phone plans, including an “activation fee.” (I’m sorry, but how much does it cost to enter a new client into your customer database? What a rip-off.) While unlimited tans per month might work for achieving that ‘Oompa Loompa’ look, it’s a bit much for someone like me who just wants to avoid being a pasty white kid.

Instead, I opt for the package deals— last month I did 5 sessions in the “introductory” beds for $15, which I spread out over the course of a few weeks to make my tan last as long as possible.

So now that you know all about some of my guilty pleasures, how about sharing some of your own? Feel free to berate me for being an idiot. I deserve it.