In lieu of a boyfriend, many homos (present company included) choose to funnel their loneliness and quiet desperation into one of the world’s oldest hobbies– pet ownership. (You thought I was going to say ‘prostitution,’ didn’t you? But that’s the world’s oldest profession.)
What many guys don’t realize is that their choice of pet is a window into their own souls, even more so than the labels in their closets and the cars in their driveways.
It’s easy to disguise your true self behind designer jeans or a yuppie European sedan, but owning a pet is different than owning other types of ‘property.’
You can’t be fake around a pet. (Well, I guess you could, but what’s the point?) Pets share every moment of your mundane life with you. They’re there for you at the end of a hard day at work. They don’t care that you’ve put on five pounds and haven’t been to the gym in three months. Pets are fine with staying in on a cold Saturday night. And they won’t judge you for pre-ordering the Enchanted DVD, because they know that James Marsden is the hottest thing to ever walk on two legs and he sings, too.
Anyway.
The type of pet you own speaks to what kind of person you are and which characteristics you value in others:
Dog
Dogs are first and foremost known for their loyalty. They’re social, playful, and no one thinks you’re weird for wanting one. In a nutshell, dogs are the All-American, vanilla pet.
But different breeds have different needs and different owners. The toy breeds (Pomeranian, Chihuahua) suggests a gay comfortable with his trendy, effeminate side, whereas a mutt suggests a gay guy that doesn’t care about fancy labels. A Labrador suggests perhaps a guy ready to settle down in the suburbs.
Cat
Cats are fickle, mysterious, independent, and oddly popular with lesbians. As with dogs, owning a purebred may be a sign of obsession with status and labels. Although some cats may be friendly, generally a cat owner is more likely to be aloof and distant than a dog owner.
Any more than two cats and you totally deserve the “crazy cat lady” jokes.
P.S. If you’re a gay man thinking of naming your cat “Pussy,” please be advised that you’re not nearly as funny/clever as you think.
Fish
There are two types of fish owner.
The first has a few fish in a small freshwater aquarium. The fish may or may not have names, and were chosen from the pet store because they’re kind of cool to watch. It’s hard to come to any conclusions about this type of fish owner. He may want a more exciting pet, but is limited by budget or space. Or he might be afraid of anything that requires more commitment than a fish. Like a boyfriend.
The second type of fish owner is intense. These are your saltwater aquarium folks with hundreds of dollars of equipment. For them, learning about filtration and water chemistry is exciting.
I imagine that these are also the kind of people who design elaborate sex dungeons in their basements. Be warned.
Bird
Birds are messy, chatty and unpredictable, but also intelligent, flashy and inquisitive. Since parrots can live more than 50 years and possess the intellect of a human toddler, their human owners are very unlikely to be commitment-phobic or impatient, though they’ll probably be a little strange.
Gerbil
Suitable for perverts, and also for gays that happen to be 5th grade science teachers looking for a low-maintenance classroom pet.
What kind of pet do you have?
great post!
I had freshwater fish btw. They always chased eachother aggressively and their tank kept getting dirty. The pump in their top of the line tank eventually broke and a replacement would have been 80 bucks. So I had to dispose of them by chopping their heads off and throwing them in a dumpster.
Hmmm… I probably shouldn’t tell that story on dates.
I thought you were supposed to put them in the freezer…
Glad you liked the post though!